With Friends Like These... - Emily Is Away

Hello beautiful people of the Internet! And not so beautiful ones... hehe. It's time for something a little different today! The game that ruins friendships. Literally.

Emily Is Away is a short but sweet free game you can pick up on steam. It's the story of you and a high school friend called Emily, told in the form of brief instant messaging chats from the early 2000's. Complete with faithful representation of the hideous old Windows XP dashboard, sounds and usability (for optimal immersion!).

You know, the fact one of Ren's favourite terrible jokes is in this game is enough to make me quit right now.
(Excessive laughter)

For a game that takes at most thirty minutes to complete it's surprisingly deep and really gets you thinking. Unfortunately it really loses its magic any times after you've beaten it. The gameplay consists solely of choosing an icon at the start of each chapter, and responding to Emily's messages by selecting a multiple choice option and spamming random keys on your keyboard until 'you' have typed out a message to reply with. Playing this game brought on a lot of nostalgia for me, chatting online like in this game was a lot of my time spent online five years ago, and I've known people just like Emily (I feel a lot of us have) in the past. Yeah. Ren never had any real friends. Hey! I had friends shut up!

You would think a game such as this would be boring, it's basically just like talking to one of those chatbot advertisements that pop up while you're on the internet. What? When have there ever been adverts like th- Wait... Didn't those show up from porn websites? A-Anyway! Regardless of that it's a very interesting story that can see you get pretty emotionally attached to Emily in a matter of minutes. Despite only being a part of a single chat for each of the five years the story plays out in, I still felt that I had known her for all that time in-between just from reminiscent messages. Ren was totally in love with her. And Sin had found her best gal-pal... Ow!

You just don't know when to give up do you?
But he sounds like a horrible boyfriend!

It's obvious the game is aimed at a male audience (Or a lesbian audience! Let's be fair here! Sin! Be quiet!). There's a clear romantic subtext between the player and Emily which you can choose to embrace or even shut down altogether. At one point when she asks what you're up to on the weekend, all three different responses lead to you typing 'with my friend Emma'. When she asks who Emma is you can say she's 'A friend', 'Just a girl' or 'A girl I like' depending on how you're feeling. Regardless of what you say, like Sin she doesn't seem happy about it. The very same could be said the other way too. Whenever Emily mentions her on-off boyfriend Brad, the options become something along the lines of 'Stereotypical nice guy', 'it's not like I'm into you or anything style sarcasm' and 'call him a twat'. The last ones are my favourite.

It's great that some of the options are just you being a dick.
Hey what have you got against High School?
......... Ugh.

It's cool that this game gives you so many options for pursuing the story. Do you go after Emily? Try and make it work with Emma instead? Or just be the the biggest bastard a girl could ever meet. Either way who freaking cares! It always goes the same way anyway, both your character and Emily only care about what they want! So Emily ends up with- WAIT! ... What? Spoilers Sin! Spoilers! Oh come on who cares about spoilers for a game they'll beat in half an hour anyway! Emily always ends up with Brad or Travis. You always manage to mess it up with Emma, no matter what you say. And the game always leads to a scenario with the same three options! Goodbye forever. Goodbye forever. and GOODBYE FOREVER!

When I saw those harsh and clearly sarcastic words, I couldn't help but be reminded of a certain someone.
W-What the hell are you looking at me for!?

Sin... Uh... She really cares about her friends... This game had a pretty big effect on her you know? For something so simple, it still draws out emotion, and questions some really deep facts of life. The ultimate message of the story is that things change, people change, situations change, and that's okay, because regardless of the choices you make, everything will work out for the best in the end. That is the beauty of this deep and unique game...

... Pfft. Wow. You got awfully sentimental there didn't you Sin?
S-S-Shut up! I-I'm a sensitive girl you know!
Ow! Ah... Dammit Sin come back! See? This is why I hate people like Emily. Look at all the trouble they cause! Until next time everybody! We love you all!

A Song For The World! - Omega Quintet

Hello beautiful people of the Internet! And not so beautiful ones... hehe. We apologies greatly for yet another delay in reviews. Ren was too lazy last week (We were busy!) so we decided we needed more time to play this game to bring you a real review. So! Without further ado, it's time to show off Omega Quintet!

At the basics of it, Omega Quintet is a JRPG with a lot of bright colour and charm. Well what do you expect? It's a Compile Heart RPG, that's about all it's got going for it. Now now Sin settle down a little, you've played this one, it's not 'just' a Compile Heart RPG this time. I get that it's got the same sort of... uh... feel to it, that other Compile Heart RPGs have- You mean it's basically an all girl cast fitting about every freaking Japanese stereotype you could possibly imagine, and it's littered with needless fanservice that is a disrespect to every good JRPG out there? That kind of Compile Heart feel!? Uh... Well... yes... but that's kind of what Compile Heart do, let's be fair their JRPG's aren't exactly Final Fantasy or Pokemon quality, the fit a niche and appeal to a... uh... different kind of audience... yeah that's right! A different kind of audience! So... Perverts like you then? I get it, no wonder you buy all their games... I am not a pervert!

Compile Heart RPG's... Pointless fanservice at its pointless finest

Ugh! Anyway my point is that this particular title is a lot more in depth than the everyday RPG they throw out three or four times a year. Seriously, it gets to me how they can make them all so quickly when playing them takes FOREVER. Let's forget about that for now, but that's probably why they're not as popular as more 'quality' JRPG's. The point is there seriously so much more to keep track of and learn in this game it's hard to get to grips with.

You get to change the party's formation as is pretty standard for JRPG's, but in this *turn based-combat* RPG each of the different weapons have a different effective range. Attacking an enemy in the back line with a hammer like an idiot for example will be much more likely to miss, and far less damaging than if you attacked with a Sniper weapon for example. While the differences from this aren't exactly game-breaking, and you can ignore this mechanic for the most part on easier difficulties, optimising your attacks is pretty key as the enemies get stronger... which would be fine if you could properly plan for each fight. Except that's harder than you would think, enemies spawn in random locations in the combat screen so there's no guarantee your AoE abilities will hit all of them every fight. And even more annoying is both you and your enemies will have moves that can knockback and it happens all the time! It's extremely difficult to keep your targets at an effective range so you'll often just end up plowing away at them until they die. There's a lot you have available to play with in combat, it's kind of refreshing to have so many mechanics for great players to really shine. Between knockbacks, delaying turns, the 'voltage' of the battle and bonuses granted when certain moves are used after another there's enough features to get to grips with here that the whole experience feels extremely rewarding for no apparent reason. That's a good thing though right? Totally.

Omega Quintet is one of the few JRPGs that can see you fighting up to ten monsters at once, and it's a pretty impressive spectacle.
Don't usually get to use more the four characters at once either.
Not like this at least. It's nice.

It's great that the combat feels so much more fun than most JRPG's, it doesn't really feel like it gets boring but that's where my praise ends. The story as usual from our friends Compile Heart is about as flat as Sin's chest (What was that!?), the world is being overrun by a dark force called Blare which is mutating people and animals into dark, killer creatures. Our only salvation are the Verse Maidens (Read: Freaking teen idols!), a collection of quirky and colourful teenage girls in true idol-esque attire that defeat Blare and the MAD (those are the monsters) with the power of...! Of.... Oh I can't do it... I love the game but just... It doesn't sound so bad when you're actually playing the game but explaining to the world that they win through the power of song and dance just feels humiliating... They sing, you can hold concerts for them and even produce and upload your own music videos with the girls... They really went all out with the idol theme on this one... It's not even a bad thing, it's implemened well and everything it's just... WHY!? Why IDOLS!? And the 3D dances just make me cringe so hard they look so awkward! Argh!

How does a team that spends so long fighting monsters even get to rehearse! And how can they always look so happy!?
Aww... You're just jealous...
I AM NOT!

The game continues to play the whole idol thing up by explaining that the Verse Maiden's power comes from the support of the fans, and the fights are broadcast with an announcer that you the player get to hear over your battles. Over. And over. And over again. It's like Omega Quintet taking a leaf out of Persona's book as the announcements feel very similar, mentioning a MAD's weakness to you or how injured one of your party are, except it's also doing it in the style of a narrator from an episode of 1950's Batman in that every other freaking comment is basically screaming "Will our heroes survive!? Find out... In five bloody seconds after the next combination of attack inputs!" She's uh... not a big fan of idols and divas...

If you pan the camera down enough on the field the girls will cover their skirts and tell you not to look. It's a unique and nice little tou- Ow!
You... Pervert!

With all that said though Omega Quintet still has its charms. The girls are all unique to extremes: The main heroine Otoha is a energetic young girl that always dreamed of being a Verse Maiden except she's also a nervous wreck that can't get anything right when she finally gets her chance. There's also Nene, a quiet and shy girl that says some really morbid things in secret and loves sniper rifles. She's exactly my type of girl. I always knew you swung that way Sin... I-I DO NOT! REN YOU IDIO-

So that's all we have this week everyo-
Hey! Don't cut me off like tha-
I refuse.
Wha- You can't jus-
I just did. Look forward to next weeks post everyone! We hope this one was worth the wait! Until then beautiful readers! We love you all!
Grrrr..... REN! You're going to pay for this!
Oh be quiet Sin... You're such a diva.
... What did you just say...?
...Ah... uhm.... N-Nothing!

TKO!! - Punch Out!! (Wii)

Hello not so beautiful people of the Internet! And beautiful ones, of course... heh... Okay I do not like doing it this way. Shut up you. I'm Sin, and that's Useless (My name is Ren!) and today it's time to check out a slightly older game we've picked up recently... and boy is it amazing! Punch Out for the Wii... I never expected it to be this good and addicting... Yeah well, you never were one for punching people in the face. I on the other hand have been perfectly in my element the past few days... Yeah you like to beat up macho buff guys and laugh while you're doing it. And you wonder why you've never had a boyfr- Ow!

M-Moving on! Punch Out!! on the Wii is a 2009 reboot of the old NES game Mike Tyson's Punch Out, a simple and unique boxing game starring Little Mac, who you may recognise from Super Smash Bros. 4. The game sees you dodging and throwing punches in a series of progressively more difficult fights against various quirky boxers that attack in different patters and with different speeds. it's as simple as it sounds but remains super fun to play and at the same time very challenging.

"You know what... This time... I win!"
Referee is apparently tired of not winning matches.
He doesn't exactly lose either you know.

The Wii remake adds a lot more depth to the original game and is arguably twice as fun if not even more so. Though the story is basically the same as the previous game (winning a dozen or so fights until Little Mac claims the world title from Mike Tys- I mean... Mr Sandman), so much charm is added to the characters through their animations, taunts and movements that it makes it hard not to like any of them in some way shape or form even if they often are just dicks to Mac. All the characters from the previous Punch Out make a return here with a number of other fun new ones to enjoy fighting. Backstories are fun and entertaining and the light-hearted style and atmosphere of the game really helps bring out it's entertainment value. There's a lot of quirks and arguably racist jokes regarding the characters, each of whom hail from a different part of the world. Take note that the French guy is the weakest of them all and Piston Hondo (Honda) from Japan basically acts like he's a freaking car! Japan don't only make cars guys! Come on!

Always trust the Irish to be cheaters
Sin you shouldn't say things like that! ... Even if it is true...

The game at it's core remains deceptively simple. You can dodge to both sides and duck, punch high and low with either hand, block by holding up, and you can earn stars for special moves by punching your opponent at certain times such as countering their punches or while they taunt you. Each opponent has a variety of moves they will throw at you which are pretty random for the most part. I would go so far as to say it's one of the best games for improving your gaming ability all around as your opponents often launch attacks with very little warning, so dodging in the right direction is extremely difficult without good reactions. Just don't be a dummy and forget you also have to think about which way to dodge because many attacks hit in multiple directions.

The game itself though, as an underlying rule, is primarily about learning. With a learning curve that creeps up at first before evolving into a near enough vertical line, you'll find that after six or so fights it's almost impossible to win a fight first time as enemy punches hit harder, faster and wider. At that point it becomes a case of looking for indicators of which attack is coming, learning the safest way to dodge, and how to counterattack while you lose. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. Right! Right! Right! What really makes the game great is the little extra depth held within. Nothing is ever explained outright to you so it's equally as fun to discover as well as learn. Times when you can get stars, times when you can counter. there's a lot more than you would think, with timings often needing to be so perfect you would hardly believe there are actually so many. You can even KO most opponents in a small number of punches with the right timing and setup, but although it's extremely difficult it's a brilliant surprise when you do, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are many more things to discover hidden within this fun little game that's perfect for killing time providing you don't get too irritated... Right Sin?

Yes that's right! Donkey Kong actually is the secret final boss of this game!
This one is for Princesses everywhere!
You aren't a princess Sin, why are you so passionate...
Sh-Shut up!

Argh! Some of the fights are infuriating I assure you! They basically all but cheat with health regen and barely telegraphed attacks to dodge! I hate it! But that feeling of finally beating the guy that's been wailing on you for the past hour... There's nothing greater...
(Well... At least until the next guy completely slaughters you in under a minute...)

With over 25 difficult and unique fights Punch Out!! on the Wii is a charming title that packs a lot more... hehe... PUNCH! than you might expect. (Sigh... ) It's easy to get into and play so makes a perfect title to pick up and play in a short title while you wait for something. It's a fast paced and fun game of reactions that is definitely worth picking up if you're looking for a challenge and some entertainment. Oh! and it's compatible with the Wii Balance Board and motion controls for you fitness buffs out there too! Just don't come running to us if you break something in frustration okay? Trust me...

Poor Glass Joe... Had the shit beaten out of him all his life and still finds a way to be so happy
He's a lot like you Ren... Weak, pathetic, and a loser...

That's all for this week people! I hope you're really in the mood to enjoy punching guys as much as I do! ...Sin...? Ow! Shut up! Until next time friends! Happy punching!

Sin...? We're not doing the thing...?
What? Ew god no I hate saying that.
But Sin...
I told you to shut up! Now come on Ren let's spar!
W-What? Oh no please...